Star Gazer
With Milky Way® bars in malt flavored ice cream with caramel swirl
Date Tried - December 28, 2022
Location - Home, couch (except actually it was alone at the kitchen counter several hours earlier)
Format - Half Gallon
Milkshake it? - Yes
Buy Again? - Yes
“Three weeks from now, I will be harvesting my crops. Imagine where you will be, and it will be so. Hold the line! Stay with me! If you find yourself alone, riding in the green fields with the sun on your face, do not be troubled…For you are in Elysium, and you're already dead!”
~Maximus Decimus Meridius
On December 28th (my half birthday), I cracked into a half gallon of Star Gazer and guided Lisa through her first-ever viewing of the movie Gladiator. As much as I’d like to dedicate this entire newsletter to applauding that film’s staying power over the last two decades, it needs no help from me. Nay, I am here to ruminate upon the Stewart’s ice cream concoction that features one of America’s most beloved candy bars: Milky Way.
Milky Way bars are manufactured by Mars, Inc., a $40 billion food product (and animal care?) industry that is owned entirely by the Mars family. I’m no etymologist, but some simple Google searches reveal that the surname Mars likely originates from either France or England, two modern countries that would have found themselves fully subjugated by the Roman Empire in its heyday. And thus, I have to conclude that this surname—the same one that Peter Gene Hernandez uses to transform into modern pop superhero Bruno Mars—is an allusion to Rome’s god of war and agriculture.
This is not the first time that Mars has been repurposed in this fashion. Let’s not forget that the Roman Mars (not to be confused with radio producer, Roman Mars) was simply a rebranding of the Greek god Ares. And, of course, the Romans freely and famously ascribed Mars’ name to our solar system’s red planet. To bring it full circle, the Mars Bar was launched as a European version of the Milky Way. And now, with Star Gazer, Stewart’s shares in this tradition of re-imagination in a strange sort of way.
[…Yes, I recognize that this was a needless diatribe. But in the words of Maximus, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?” ]
One of the unexpected sub-plots of the ‘I Scream, You Scream’ challenge has been my ongoing battle with the caramel swirl. In Adirondack Bear Paw it was overwhelming and unwelcome. (Listen closely and you’ll hear a collective sigh from the Taylor clan in Glens Falls.) In Bark in the Dark, the caramel was exquisite. Star Gazer offers a caramel swirl that falls somewhere in the middle. Its presence is not nearly as noticeable as the two aforementioned flavors, but it definitely does not detract. Regardless of the analysis, caramel is a major component of Milky Way bars, so its inclusion wasn’t ever up for debate. Which brings me to my second point…
Have you ever had a Klondike bar? Yeah, of course you have. You know that way the outside shell cracks when you bite into it, with that satisfactory snap that cues the chocolate to begin melting in your mouth? Star Gazer replicates that sensation with its Milky Way pieces.
I like it and I feel confident that you will too.
Lastly, I would be remiss if I did not extend a deep bow toward the malt flavored base. When I worked at Dairy Queen in high school, friends would sometimes place their trust in me to craft a mystery treat. Most of the time this would result in a milkshake, and malt powder was my “secret ingredient”, little more than a magician’s hoodwink. Malt is the MSG of frozen dairy desserts; it performs its humble act quietly and sneakily raises everything to 11.
In 1935, the Mars family deployed a new slogan for Milky Way bars: “The sweet you can eat between meals!” This faux-health tactic (which feels a bit like cigarette brands recommended by physicians) probably wouldn’t fly today.
But that doesn’t make it any less true for me.
See ya shortly after lunch, Star Gazer.
Special thanks to Jeanne for gifting us a BlauKe® stainless steel ice cream scoop. Since Christmas, we have been carving with confidence.