Heavenly Medley
Chocolate ice cream with chocolatey almonds, chocolate chips, with a marshmallow swirl
Date Tried - August 6, 2023
Location - On my couch in Lisa’s old pants (which have become mine)
Format - Half Gallon
Milkshake It? - No
Buy Again? - Yes
Writing this newsletter has become increasingly more and more difficult for several reasons:
Inspiration has waned—I’ve spoken at length about this in previous reviews.
Much of my creative energy has been redirected toward Nubble, a musical project that, luckily for me, calls me its drummer.
Our puppy Kirby demands significant amounts of attention. He is joyful and pure but also mischievous and manipulative. But mostly pure.
So, this review is getting written three full weeks after I tried the flavor Heavenly Medley. And, as we rapidly approach the end of our time here with ‘I Scream, You Scream’, this marks a key moment of finality—the last flavor that I will try as part of the challenge which is only served in the half gallon container.
These days, Lisa and I have very few full weekends where we are both not working. The first weekend of August was one of these and we packed it with festive summer fare.
We tent camped on Friday, hiked a nearby mountain range on Saturday, finished the hike and drove straight down to Schuylerville for a birthday party on the Butler Family Farm (Happy Birthday, Holly—a greater wielder of ice cream than I ever will be), tubed the Battenkill River on Sunday afternoon, and then drove back to Keene after finishing the day with Laotian food. Upon our return to Keene, we picked up a half gallon of Heavenly Medley as a “weekend nightcap”.
[This, as you might imagine, was not the first ice cream of the weekend. It wasn’t even the first Stewart’s ice cream of the weekend. A friend of Holly’s assembled a triple-layer Stewart’s ice cream cake that included Black Raspberry, Brew Ha-Ha & Death By Chocolate. One of the separating layers was crushed hazelnut bits while the other was raspberry jam. There may have been chocolate crumbles somewhere in there, too. The outside was coated in berry whipped cream frosting and was bejewelled. It was a saccharine feat.]
This flavor is one that exists in the greater consciousness of the American people. It’s called Heavenly Hash; I don’t know much of its origin but I quietly just know about it, like one might just know about the concept of peanut butter and jelly. At minimum, it’s ubiquitous enough to be featured in a popular internet food blog called Midwest Living. And, up until the very moment that I purchased the half gallon, I was under the impression that “Heavenly Hash” was the name that Stewart’s used for this flavor—that’s because it WAS. But, after a longer-than-usual scan of the freezer door, I found the object of my desire and the box read “Heavenly Medley”.
…What happened here, Stewie’s?
An internet search reveals that the name “Heavenly Hash” is being actively used by many popular ice cream brands, including, notably, Perry’s—the most direct competitor to the Stewart’s Empire. So, what gives? Why did Stewart’s suddenly drop a vastly recognizable name for an alternative that is just so, so unsexy? (I mean…“Medley”…really? What is this, seafood?)
My guess is either…
1) The name is somehow trademarked and they decided it wasn’t worth the money to keep purchasing the rights; or…
2) The name is somehow trademarked and someone found out that they didn’t have the rights.
In any event, Heavenly “Hash”—which started as a candy about a century ago before it was repurposed into the world of ice cream—has cemented itself as a beloved flavor. Not the most beloved, but still somewhere in the ranks.
Let’s just say, if Heavenly Hash (or, in Stewart’s case, Heavenly Medley) were a Greek god, it wouldn’t be a Zeus. It would probably be something closer to a Hephaestus.
Divine, sure. But overall, a weaker brand.
How is the ice cream, you ask? It’s good. Better even after a weekend’s worth of sun-fueled activity. The chocolate covered almonds and chocolate chips jive well together and the chocolate base is strong. No surprises there. However, I wrote “Yes” above to the “Buy Again?” question, and that’s likely a lie—at least for me. Someone should buy it again, but I almost certainly won’t; there are just too many chocolate-based flavors in the Stewart’s line that are worth my time and I think the marshmallow ship has sailed for me—I’ll never accept it as a proper mix-in to be enjoyed by adults. I did enjoy it though, especially when Lisa served it to me in a waffle cone that was originally purchased for handcrafted ice cream consumption.
But my excitement in the moment was (at least partially) fabricated by my exhaustion and contentment, like when you walk to the top of a mountain and pull out the sad sandwich that has been in the bottom of your bag and it reveals itself to be, in that moment, the best food you’ve ever had.
This was a false reading, an outlier.
So, to wrap up, I’ll quote an internet article about National Heavenly Hash Day that was most certainly written by ChatGPT or one of its lesser cousins:
“The day is incomplete without some Heavenly Hash, isn’t it? So take your cells out of your pockets and order a ‘Heavenly’ scoop of joy to your place. Scoop in and enjoy!”
Sure, the joy is robotic and the words are disingenuous. But maybe that doesn’t make them any less true.
Because maybe—in Heaven—robots and humans enjoy ice cream side by side.